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Over the last couple of years I’ve been diving into the work of Betty Martin's Wheel of consent, which has been a revelation in understanding the dynamics between giving and receiving.
At the heart of it, the Wheel of Consent helps us understand who is doing and who is benefiting in any exchange.—whether it’s touch, time, energy, or love. It offers a simple structure to navigate the dynamics of giving and receiving with clarity and intentionality.
At first, I approached it thinking, "This seems simple enough—receiving is just about opening to what someone else has to give, right?" But the more I explored, the more I realised how complex and transformative the act of receiving truly is.
It’s not just passively accepting something—it’s about knowing what you want, what others want, and what you're willing to give. It’s about being open, being present, and communicating clearly. This sounds straightforward, but let me tell you from my own experience—it’s anything but.
The Confusion of Giving and Receiving
Looking back at my past relationships, I realised there were many moments where although I felt loved by my partner, I had so many needs and feelings that weren't being met that I often wasn't able to receive his love. For no lack of effort on his part!
For instance, I might say, “I’d love for you to take charge of planning our weekend,” thinking that would meet my need of quality time together. However, for him the request was vague and overwhelming so the choices he made didn’t align with what I actually wanted, which inevitably lead to us to disconnect.
Neither of us felt fully satisfied, even though we were both showing up generously and trying to be supportive of one another.
Can you relate? How often do you find yourself in this dynamic with the people in your lives—both giving generously but in ways that the other really doesn't want or need?
What I’m learning through the Wheel of Consent is that this confusion often stems from a lack of clear boundaries and roles. It’s not just about who’s doing what, but about who the action is for.
The Wheel of Conscent framework offers a simple understanding of giving and receiving through the following four quadrants:
GIVING - RECEIVING - TAKING - ALLOWING
If I am Giving, then you are Receiving, and vice versa.
If you are Taking, then I am Allowing, and vice versa.
GIVING = Willing to do something for the other's benefit: e.g. “Would you like some help with that?”
TAKING = Want to do something for your own benefit: e.g “Can I help myself to a slice of your pizza?”
RECEIVING = Want the other to do something for your own benefit: e.g. “Will you scratch my back for me?”
ALLOWING = Willing to let the other do something for their own benefit e.g. “You can take my car if you like!”
Consent as a Pathway to Clarity
One of the core lessons from the Wheel of Consent is understanding the difference between doing and receiving—and knowing who is benefitting from the action. This sounds so basic, but it has honestly shifted the way I approach my relationships.
Let’s take a simple example—offering someone a hug. Are you giving the hug because they need it? Or are you hugging them because you want to feel close to them? Have you asked if they want a hug or are you assuming they want one?
The Wheel of Consent asks us to clarify this intention, and it changes everything when both people agree on who’s benefiting.
This shift in awareness can also be applied in non-physical ways. Whether I’m asking for advice, offering my time to help a friend, or simply listening, I’ve learned to pause and ask myself: Who is this for?
Here’s an everyday example:
Let’s say I ask my friend, Sarah, to help me move some furniture. She says, “Sure, I can help!” But let’s ask, “Who is this for?”
I’m feeling overwhelmed by the task and really need Sarah’s physical help to get it done (it’s for me).
I don’t need much help, but I know Sarah loves organising and rearranging spaces, so I ask her to join in (it’s for Sarah).
We both enjoy working together, and I know we’ll have a fun and productive time doing it together (it’s for both of us).
I don’t really need her help, but I assume Sarah wants to feel useful, and Sarah, meanwhile, doesn’t really want to help but assumes I need her support (it’s for neither of us).
That last one happens more often than we realise. Misunderstandings like this can sneak into all kinds of everyday situations, leading to confusion, frustration and resentment.
Taking a moment to clarify “Who is this for?” can make all the difference in ensuring both parties feel good about what they’re offering or receiving. It’s a small but powerful shift toward more genuine connection and consent in any interaction.
When I started doing this, my interactions became clearer, more intentional, and honestly, way more fulfilling. I feel like I am receiving even when I am giving! It's a win, win!
By understanding what the other person truly wants or needs, I can receive the gift of giving, and when my own needs are clearly expressed and agreed upon, I can receive wholeheartedly without guilt or the pressure to give back.
It’s a framework that’s taken my relationships—both personal and professional—to a much deeper level.
As With Everything There Is A Shadow Side
The Wheel of Consent also shines a light on those moments when we slip into non-consensual territory.
Betty Martin describes the “shadow” side of each dynamic—ways we may unintentionally give or receive without true agreement. Here’s how that might show up:
GIVING without agreement can look like people-pleasing or giving with resentment.
TAKING without agreement might feel like pushing boundaries or even stealing.
RECEIVING without agreement could show up as entitlement or exploitation.
ALLOWING without agreement might look like silently enduring something or feeling like a victim.
We’ve all fallen into these shadow behaviors at some point—it’s a survival mechanism. But by becoming aware of them, we can catch ourselves, ask, "Who is this for?" and clarify whether true consent is present.
Recognising these patterns is empowering because it allows us to meet our needs, and those of others, in more honest and consensual ways.
These shadows can pop up in everyday interactions, or even in larger systems of abuse and power imbalances. The Wheel of Consent gives us a way to shift those dynamics and build more mutual, respectful connections.
Tuning Into Our Needs
Alongside my exploration of consent, I’ve been practicing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) for several years, and it’s been a game-changer in my journey. One of the biggest gifts of NVC for me is learning to connect my feelings to my deeper needs.
In my work with the Wheel of Consent, I've discovered the importance of truly listening to my body and emotions. Understanding my own needs has become fundamental. NVC has offered me a clear process for identifying, feeling, and expressing what’s important to me without attaching blame or expectation.
For example, when I engage with the Wheel of Consent, I’m constantly checking in with myself: What am I feeling right now? What do I actually want? What do I not want? NVC supports this inquiry by helping me name those emotions and needs as they arise, guiding me to communicate them in a way that’s respectful and considerate.
The NVC process has broken down communication into four key components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests.
When I integrate these steps with my consent practices, I find my relationships transforming.
Observation: I start by stating what happened in a neutral way. When I see/hear/remember…For instance, I might say, “I noticed that when we began talking, I was distracted by the conversation that the people were having behind us and I missed some of what you said.”
Feelings: Then, I connect with my emotional response. I feel… “I’m feeling embarrassed and a little annoyed at myself for getting distracted.”
Needs: I ask myself what I need in that moment. Because I need/value… “Because I really value your perspective on this."
Requests: Finally, I make a specific request: Would you be willing to…? “Would you be willing to repeat what you were saying about about...?”
This process has helped me clarify my experiences and express them in a way that invites connection rather than conflict. Instead of operating from assumptions or frustration, I’m building trust and mutual understanding.
Voicing my needs didn’t always come naturally for me. I often found myself people-pleasing, making myself smaller, and avoiding coming across as too much. Maybe you’ve felt that way too?
Through NVC, I’ve started to notice when I’m shrinking myself to meet others’ needs, and I’m learning how to break that cycle. I’m beginning to speak from a place of self-awareness and express what I truly want.
It’s a subtle shift, but it’s profoundly impacted my relationships. When I can say, “This is what I need,” I create a sense of trust—not just with others, but within myself. I’m realising that asking for what I want, with clarity and compassion, is an essential part of receiving.
Re-Writing Conditioned Behaviors
Both the Wheel of Consent and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) have been pivotal in helping me unravel the conditioned behaviors I’ve carried for years.
Growing up, I learned that giving was the “right” thing to do all the time. I internalised the belief that my value was tied to how much I could offer others, which made receiving feel selfish or indulgent.
This journey of rewriting those old scripts has been ongoing, and I know it takes time. I’m learning to step out of the “always giving” role and create space for true receiving. It can feel uncomfortable at times because it goes against everything I was taught, but it’s also incredibly freeing.
I’m discovering that I don’t have to lose myself in the process of helping others. I can choose to give when it feels right, and I can allow myself to receive when that’s what’s needed.
I know I’m not alone in this. Many of us have been conditioned, especially as women, to prioritise others’ needs over our own. We’ve been taught to say “yes” when we really mean “no” or to go along with things because it feels easier than asserting what we want. This conditioning creates a disconnect between our inner experiences and our outward responses.
NVC has become a vital tool in bridging that gap for me. It brings my attention back to the essential question: What do I need right now? I’ve realised that needs are universal—things like safety, love, connection, and autonomy. When I recognise and honor these core needs, I develop a deeper self-awareness, which lays the groundwork for practicing clear consent.
By tuning into my needs, I can communicate them more effectively, ensuring that whatever I agree to is genuinely in alignment with who I am.
A Reflective Process for You
I invite you to join me in exploring this idea of consent, of finding balance in giving and receiving, and of learning how to ask for what you want with clarity and compassion. This work is so powerful because it helps us create relationships—whether personal or professional—that are rooted in mutual respect, trust, and understanding.
I’d love for you to reflect with me:
When was the last time you allowed yourself to fully receive something without feeling the need to give back?
What do you truly want to receive in your relationships right now, and how would it feel to ask for that?
Are you clear about your boundaries when your giving? Are you giving because you genuinely want to, or because you feel obligated to?
Take some time to sit with these questions. Write about them, talk them through with a friend, or just keep them in mind the next time you’re in an exchange with someone.
And if you’d like to go deeper, I’d love for you to join me on an upcoming retreat The heART of Recieving where we’ll explore the Wheel of Consent, NVC, and embodied practices that help us step into this work in a real, grounded way.
Together, we’ll dive into the dynamics of giving and receiving, and how these principles can transform not just our relationships with others, but with ourselves.
Sources:
The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin offers a framework for understanding clear agreements in giving and receiving. Originally from touch-based practices, its insights are universally applicable.
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg focuses on tuning into feelings and needs to foster more compassionate, authentic communication.
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